Daring to see it

By: Rachel

Daring to see it
I wish I could be someone else.
Sometimes. Not all the time.
Sometimes it’s hard not to when I compare myself to other people, which I admit I have a hard time refraining from.
I wish I could have better social skills like so-and-so, I wish I was married like her, I wish I didn’t have so many disabilities.

But you can’t just pick part of yourself and say that’s who you are. You get the whole package, take it or leave it.

Well, you can’t actually leave it. But you can pretend to.
And I refuse to do that.
I will use my albinism to understand people who feel different, because I know how it feels. I will use my chronic fatigue syndrome to have compassion for other people who can’t work, because I can’t work too much either. I will use my depression to love people who can’t make themselves feel better, because I used to believe it was my fault I felt bad, and now I know it’s not. I will even use my anxiety–oh I hate my anxiety–to understand when people can’t do things because of what’s in their heads, even if their bodies could do it, because I remember when my anxiety made my body stop working. I will use my Borderline Personality Disorder to tell the world that struggles do not equal lack of character, because I won’t stand for the stereotype of BPD, not when I’ve been through hell to get treatment to be a decent human being. I will use my autism to understand the misunderstood, because sometimes I am, too.
Sometimes I hate those things about me, and I wonder if other people do too. I can manage them, but I can’t completely change them.
I’ve learned Radical Acceptance from Dialectical Behavioral Therapy–where you have to accept reality how it is, not how I wish it would be. I use this skill over and over and over.
As I’m writing, I have a purring kitty in my arms. I have a roof over my head. I have a care professional to help me almost every day. I have people that love me.
I use Radical Acceptance all the time.
Now I’m trying to learn thankfulness and contentment for my circumstances… And even tenderness and love towards myself.

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