The details are too complicated, but I’ve been staying at my parents’ house, in limbo, because I moved out of my apartment (because I couldn’t pay rent) and am waiting to (hopefully) move into a nice new apartment (that takes rental assistance) once my assistance and pets are approved.

My parents have been amazing. Their house is fantastic. My pets are being taken care of (though mostly at other houses). I’m not paying for most of my food, and I have a roof over my head. There’s so much to be grateful for.

Although shame looms over me, I have to admit that my disorders do not like being in-limbo.

***I’m personifying MY disorders as they affect ME. I’m not making light of anyone else’s disorders or saying that they affect them in the same way. Humor helps my stress de-escalate, so if I make a joke, you’re all allowed to laugh. 😊***

Anxiety has already planned out my life about 67 years down the road, and this 3 week set back was not in the plans. So anxiety tries to plan something else….

“How will we organize the new apartment? Who can we call to get the ball rolling? Uhhh…. I guess we can’t do anything else? ….. HXHR43QQE389AISTFIGXI6886FCJFH!!!!!”

Then Depression slowly shuffles over and goes, “I’m too tired to organize things. I’m too overwhelmed to think about the future except to know that there’s a good possibility that none of this will work out. They might not accept my pets. Hennepin might not follow through. I give up. I need to sleep.”

Also, my Low Iron and Low Vitamin D (which I’m working on getting fixed) and my Undiagnosed Fatigue all gang up with Depression and tell me I can’t do anything, I should lay in bed, this will never go away, I haven’t done anything worthwhile anyway.

ADHD agrees because “why would I organize all this stuff anyway? I can’t focus that long!”

I have to say that Autism really takes the cake in this situation. My Autism hates change. Autism says,

“This is so scary. It must not be safe. Where are our things? Where is the wall decor? Where are our usual activities like arts and crafts?….. Out in the GARAGE!?!?!? This is terrible. We can’t have anymore change. That would be a disaster. We can’t learn a new game; that’s scary. We can’t sit in a different chair; that’s WAY to hard to process. We can’t use a new device to watch movies on or watch a new series that sometime recommends; that would completely ruin the whole point of watching the show in the first place–to be comfortable and distracted from this nightmare!”

(And those are just the “small” decisions. When the BIG changes come…. Like a change in schedule… Ugh!…. We don’t even want to go there.)

And then I would say that my other disorders are binding during this experience. How sweet of them.

Borderline comes over and sees the fire falling from the sky and the lava covering the earth and promptly decides we should text everyone who will listen to our sob story.

“Oh dear. This person said something they don’t normally say. What did we do? They must not like us anymore. Our friendship is probably going to hell in a handbag!”

(And then decides to ruminate on that for the next 13.7 hours straight. OCD LOVES this part and joins in by thinking of every single interpersonal mistake I could have committed and bringing it up to me again and again and….)

PTSD and my Panic Disorder look for any slight sign of danger, and when there isn’t any, they look for anything that remotely RESEMBLES a past danger. Then let the heart palpitations, anger, sweat, and tears begin! Because when there is change, there must be danger, as Autism had carefully informed PTSD and Panic already.

Then it’s the end of the day, and I’m living out of a cardboard box and some clothes laid out on a card table, I’m sleeping in someone else’s sweater (because goodness only knows where mine is) in someone else’s bed in someone else’s room in someone else’s house.

And I’m just waiting.

And in the waiting, those voices come out again.

Anxiety–“What will happen next?!”

Depression–“Tomorrow will be too hard to handle.”

Physical Health (or lack thereof)–“Enjoy your headache, brought to you by yours truly!”

Autism–“I need my things. I feel so small.”

Panic Disorder–“Oh no. I hope this headache isn’t a brain tumor or something. This feeling of dread should cure that.”

PTSD–“This reminds me of the time when….”

Depression (again)–“Will you shut up, you horrible despicable person?! And just GO TO SLEEP?”

ADHD–“I can’t remember what thoughts I’m trying to distract myself with…”

And now I’m too tired to remember who I missed… So goodnight.

Nothing lasts forever.