I don’t know what to write

By: Rachel

I don’t know what to write

Caution for kids to have parental wisdom involved.

I don’t really know how to give an update. There are so many things I want to say, but they feel random and ineffective. I want to say how hard it’s been, I want to say how much I want 2020 to be over, I want to help people see things in new ways– “Change how you see, see how you change,” like Rick says.

I want to thank people who supported me when it was really tough, and I can’t say how much it meant to me.

I just wrote my Christmas letter, and I guess that’s why I’m reminiscing about 2020. Seriously, when will this year be over? I lost 3 pets, went to the ER 3 times, started and ended 2 jobs, moved, was sick for quite a good amount of time, and was depressed the whole time, and that got worse as the year went on.

At first it was the isolation of living alone, so I’m really thankful I live with friends now. Then it was the grief of losing my cat who slept in my arms like a teddy bear, and a head tumor stealing my rabbit that licked me, and my childhood cat of 20 years dying from dementia. I think she kind of forgot who I was, but I will never, ever forget her.

She taught me how to speak cat, how to love animals, and how to never give up on making friends with a cat.

Missy and Scrawny are the kitties who sleep with me every night and help me get up every morning and do something productive every day. Missy is purring in my lap right now.

Still, Depression creeps in like a dark, slimy shadow, stealing my energy, my effectiveness, my feelings of hope and passion. It tells me it’s my fault people have given up on me, that I’m too much for people to handle; it piles on heavy guilt that my vision impairments are inconvenient for other people and that my lack of social skills push everyone away. That Borderline is the end of earthly happiness, that I can’t change, that I won’t be able to help people, that I’m worthless. That hurting my body is the only way to relieve the shame of my actions and my hurt and fury at other people’s actions.*

And have I even learned anything from this year? I look at newspaper clippings I have in my room– what I used to write in college for the opinion section. I sounded so full of hope, so courageous, and I trusted God so much.

And I think I admire that other Rachel. She did so many things, she was so driven, she was just learning to stick up for herself, she took classes that changed her life, she loved learning, and she succeeded in her classes and several endeavors.

I think the Today Rachel has no drive, feels discouraged about being able to help people, fails to love God the way I want to. Fails to trust God like I used to.


Yet the small glimpses of light–murkey at best and less than invisible at worst– tell me to cling to the shred of faith that God can work with. It only takes a “mustard seed.” Matt. 17:20 And He makes me keep trusting because “no one will take me out of His hand.” John 10:28 I know Jesus died for me, so He must still love me. He says our goodness, it’s just filthy rags, Isaiah 64:6 and not like I-just-cleaned-my-bathroom-for-the-3rd-time-this-month cleaning rags, but like what women used to use for their periods in Bible timtime.

Ah, yes. THAT kind of filthy rags.

So He must still want me to come to him. If I’ve learned anything this year, it’s that I literally have nothing. Do you know how long it took me to get to that place?

In fact, I have less than nothing. I’ve offended God in so many ways by my sin. I hate myself; why shouldn’t he?

At this point, some of you might start to think that I’m being too hard on myself and that I am doing the best I can and that it doesn’t help to condemn myself. But why would I be thankful for God’s forgiveness if I didn’t deserve God’s condemnation? I finally am starting to see that I’ve been loved and forgiven “much.” Luke 7

So what I’d say to help the world change a little bit is to please realize that people have a lot going on inside of them. When they have interpersonal issues, they are probably still doing the best they can. They need your grace like you need God’s grace. Don’t give up on them. Reach out and encourage someone today.

* Please note that self harm is NEVER a long-term effective choice, and I’ve mostly discontinued it’s use, even though it is hard, but I’m using the skills I learned in DBT and my awesome therapist who makes sure I’m safe and who gets me in a better frame of mind. I’m so thankful for her.

I also think EVERYONE should go to DBT, or at least, some therapy, especially right now when there’s so much isolation. It doesn’t matter if you have a diagnosis or not. And guess what? It’s easier now because you can probably do it from your house virtually! The one good thing about a worldwide pandemic, in my opinion. At least make one appointment so you can have a therapist “on hand” if life feels too much to handle someday.

If you’re feeling that way right now, please call a crisis line! You can just Google it or click here. https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/ You are innately valued and valuable, you are loved, and you will get through this.

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