Looking over my year and Jesus’ birth”
2019 is almost over–boy, am I glad about that. This year has been so difficult, my circumstances have changed repeatedly, and with them I have, too. I hope and I see glimpses that I am slowly growing.
My weak little tree, swayed by lots of winds and some tornadoes; many branches chopped off by situations I tried to change but couldn’t– and I didn’t think I’d ever move forward…
But here and there I see a tiny, fragile leaf unfolding from the bitter stumps my branches used to be. I can hardly bear to look at the growth, fearing it will shrivel up and disappear before my eyes.
Therapy is more like a roller coaster than a mountain to climb. It’s not just up up up and progress. It’s up and down down and then holding on for dear life, not knowing which direction you’re going but pretty sure you’re spinning, stuck in a tornado you thought was over last year at this time.
Despite everything, I find myself forgiving the axes–over and over again. I am letting go of relationships that I think should go on, but they don’t, and maybe they can’t. I can’t tell because I have trouble telling social cues from BPD, but people tell me that some relationships will always come and go–even though it feels like my very roots are being dragged out from under me.
We celebrate that Jesus was born today– he knows what it is to be weak. Who is weaker than a baby boy in a manger? And He came to grow up to die on the cross in our place when we accept His free gift. All his friends ran away and either left or betrayed Him. What is weaker than naked and dying? And God raised him from the dead so his people could be raised too. So I am celebrating Easter at the same time as Christmas.
Why do bad things happen? I don’t know, but Jesus suffered more. He gets weakness.