What takes up all my energy with Borderline?

“Hey, Rachel! I can’t get together for a while because I’m super busy the next month. Miss you! ❤️” My friend messages me.

My automatic negative thought (ANT) wonders, “Why can’t she get together with me?”

My companion named Borderline says, “She doesn’t like you. Your friend doesn’t miss you. If she needed you, she’d get together sooner.” 

I argue weakly, “But she said she misses me! And that she wants to get together after a month.”

Borderline: “Wow, a month is a long time. She doesn’t like you anymore.”

ANT: “Well, and I don’t like you anymore either, so I can’t blame her. Actually, I hate you.”

Me: “–wait! No I don’t. I’m not supposed to say stuff like that. I’m sorry! I can’t help it.”

In the next scenario I’m hanging out with my roommate and we’re having an awesome time doing crafts together. 

Anna, my roommate: “Well, I think I’d better go to bed now. My sister is coming tomorrow, and I need some rest.” 

Borderline says, “She likes her sister better than you. She doesn’t need you like she needs her sister.”

ANT chimes in, “Nobody needs you. You’re worthless. No one cares about you.” 

Me, exhausted from trying to figure out social cues and which ones I’m supposed to ignore and which ones I’m already misinterpreting, “But all those people prayed for me on Sunday. Anna came too. Lydia and R brought me what I needed when I was sick. They care.”

ANT: “But you’ll never be as good as them. You never brought them anything.”

Borderline: “They were just being nice. They don’t really need you. They have other friends they need. You’re just a leach on everyone.”

Me: “It’d be better if I wasn’t even born. Why am I here?”

Exasperated, exhausted, and discouraged, I distract myself by watching some Law and Order or playing some sad piano music by Adele. 

People with Borderline are portrayed as crazy and unfeeling. But the problem is that I feel too much. I overwhelm myself. 

That’s why I do therapy, intensive outpatient therapy, have people pray for me, take naps and hug my kitties, pray for help myself, and try to drown out the “voices” in my brain with activities. 

That’s why I’m exhausted. Every day. Every contact or failed contact with people.

And I push forward.